Tara Kennedy-Kline
My 20th Reality of 2012 came to me as I was responding to a post on "Should we discipline our children". One of the contributors has a very firm platform from which she speaks on parenting. Although I do not always agree with her...I honestly respect her conviction and dedication to bring peace to our world through parenting.

The following post was in response to several comments that boiled down to: There is NEVER a time to discipline or punish a child...and rules are just another tactic parents use to force their authority over children.

That being said, here is what I realized for ME as a parent:

Being the ever "grey" area...I feel I must say that there are exceptions to almost any scenario in life. I believe the part that has me concerned is the part about not allowing "rules".

First I must level the field by saying that I do believe there is a difference between Discipline and Punishment. I do believe that Discipline is a natural process of modeling to teach and guide. And I do believe that punishment is punitive action meant to change a behavior.

However, I do not believe that punishment is strictly physical, I do not believe that all punishment is harmful and I do not believe that there is NEVER a time when punishment is necessary...

let me explain...

One of the definitions of punishment is to cause pain (which I do not condone) the other is to cause discomfort. Discomfort is not universally "pain" induced.

I can cause my child discomfort by telling them to leave the room if they are being disrespectful to my adult friends. I can cause my baby discomfort by removing him from the breast while nursing should he bite me.

In these cases, my idea of "discomfort" can also be called "natural consequences"...and are in deed, by definition, punishment.

So yes, I do believe that their are times when rules, boundaries or principles that we have set are challenged, broken or tested and that we as "Mentors" and parents, must use punishment (i.e.: cause discomfort) to discipline (i.e.: guide/teach) our children in the course of their journey into adulthood.

By standing up for our beliefs, rules, agreements and principles, we teach our children integrity, accountability and respect...for others as well as themselves.

I also believe that one of the biggest contributors to bullying is that we have abandoned the concept of modeling and upholding boundaries. When we teach our children that there are no consequences for disrespecting a person's boundaries (be those rules, limits, opinions, beliefs or personal space) we teach them apathy and arrogance and at the same time embed in them the belief that they have no right to create their own boundaries.

Furthermore, by allowing children to believe that they are "untouchable" and I mean that in a metaphorical way, not in a physical way, we make them fearless...and without fear of consequences, we are left without conscience or emotional intelligence.

Free will means "free to choose", not "free to abandon all rational behavior". If there are no "poor choices" than we are left with the concepts of either perfection or chaos...both of which are too absolute to be healthy and both of which will eventually cause total breakdown.

Children, as all human beings, need to be aware that they are in total control of their actions and in some cases, their "actions" or "choices" may violate another person's rules or boundaries and that person probably will not have the connection and relationship to discuss or debate with them.

In Stop Raising Einstein, Discover the Unique Brilliance in Your Child...and You! I wrote:

"A child is responsible for how she or he reacts and thereby the results that she or he creates."

Not all of those results will be ideal. Some of them will be met with discomfort. It's all part of the reality of our life and the process of learning and growing through experience and lessons
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