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Recently, my family and I were hanging out with a group of friends and their kids. The children were playing nicely (ok, they were going nuts...but that's what kids should do outside, so we call that "playing nicely") and then one of the kids came to the group of parents and stated that one child was "being a bully".

At first, the parents all went into embarrassed, defensive mode and told the child to stop tattling on their friend...but then I asked the child "what did this kid do that felt like bullying?" Turns out, when we actually listened, we realized that the boy was right...the other kids was acting like a bully!

What happened next was kind of disturbing in that the dad of the kid proceeded to flip on his child and call him names and threaten unreasonable punishment...but I knew that was out of embarrassment so a few of us Moms politely stepped in and escorted the boy back up to the playroom where we spoke to all the children respectfully but sternly about being good to your friends.

The whole thing calmed down and was forgotten rather quickly, but it got me thinking about the things we do and the "seeds we plant" as parents to raise our children to react to or even become bullies.

I believe our children are a result of their environment. As parents, we are the models of the behaviors we eventually realize in our kids.

Something as simple as telling a little white lie on the phone in front of our children is telling them that our integrity is not as important as our comfort or our reputation… That plants a seed.

• When we correct our children by yelling at them, belittling them and calling them names, we are showing them that it's okay to humiliate & hurt people and make them feel small when we are angry …And that plants a seed.

• When we discipline behind closed doors, or haul our children away to correct them, we are showing them that we are not proud of how we are handling that situation, so we must hide it. And that plants a seed.

• When parent A gets angry and flips out over an issue that parent B has already established is not worthy of losing it over, but does nothing to stand up for the child, that sends the message that the child is not worth standing up for. And that plants a seed.

• When we start a conversation within earshot of our kids that begins with: "You won't believe what so-and-so did" or "I promised not to say anything, but..." we are teaching our child that not only is it ok to gossip, but it's also ok to break promises and trust. And that plants a seed.

• When we tell our children to "be quiet" or "don't talk back" when someone offends them or someone they care about, we are teaching them to be apathetic and submissive. And that plants a seed.

• When we retreat from or ignore a person who needs help, we show them that we shouldn't inconvenience ourselves to stand up for others. And that plants a seed.

• When we contradict ourselves or our values for the sake of avoiding conflict, we show our children weakness and helplessness. And that plants a seed.

• When we've had a bad day or are PMS-ing and snap at our kids for things we know shouldn't bother us, we are showing them it's acceptable to legitimize or allow our bad behavior based on our mood. And we plant a seed.

• And when we take the time to listen to our children, to get to know them, to find out what they love and what brings them joy. When we take the time to discover each others passions, beliefs and Unique Brilliance, and we stand up for them and honor what they care about...then we empower our children to love themselves and honor themselves too. And THAT plants a seed.

• When we stand up for our children, others and what is "right" in their presence. THAT plants a seed.

• When we hold our children accountable for their actions and their words, THAT plants a seed.

• When we keep the promises we make to our children, others and most importantly ourselves. THAT plants a seed.

• When we apologize for hurting someone's feelings, breaking an agreement, or not being truthful and then we commit to not making the same mistake again. THAT plants a seed.

So I suppose that is what brings me to my Mom Reality Bytes #15:

Bringing up children is all about planting seeds. Before I sow seeds, I should consider what lesson my child will reap from them...and what kind of person I am "raising up" as a result.

1-17-2012

I have a bit of a "sparkle chaser" issue. Those who know me are laughing right now...I get it. But I have a hard time staying focused on the things I need to complete in a day (or an hour or over lunch) because I am easily distracted and change passion quests quickly. But I must admit, I do get quite a lot accomplished in a day. Mostly because many years ago I started keeping a "list of 10" every day.

Each night I write down 10 things I want to start, work on or complete the next day. Although I am not always focused on the time...I have become very good at determining how much time I will need to check off the items on my list and my days are typically pretty packed; though I do leave room for incidentals or "stuff my family will throw at me at the last minute".

Here's my problem (or my reality in this case) My family believes that because I work from my home, I have nothing to do all day. So because I apparently lie around the house and drink coffee and watch Oprah spin offs all day, they feel perfectly justified in assigning me chores, projects, tasks and responsibilities to take care of "for them" to make their lives easier.

What the heck?! Right?!

But the worst part of their offense is, they don't even ask me nicely! I can't tell you how many times I've gotten "HEY! If you aren't doing anything ayway, can you go blah-blah-blah for me?" Or
"Hey, do you think you could pull yourself away from your exhaustive schedule to go blah-blah-blah for me?!"

OH SUUUURE! Why not?! Since you asked me so nicely, checked with me about my plans and didn't insult me at all...I'd be happy to do that "FOR YOU"...NOT!

I actually went almost an entire week without doing one load of laundry, washing one dish or making one trip to the grocery store because I went on STRIKE due to "disprespectful working conditions and lack of team effort" (Yeah, that's right...I went UNION on their a$&es!)

So today, when my husband said "Hey...since you aren't busy today, I need you to take me to get my car."

My reply was "Honey, if you had asked me if there was time in my busy schedule to help you out, I would have carved that time out for you. Unfortunately, my schedule has just filled up, so I guess you'll have to walk."

And then my Reality hit me:
If I am going to ask someone to do something for me, I must be sure to treat them with respect, honor their schedule and ask them kindly. Otherwise, I must be prepared to hear "I'm sorry, I'm too busy to help you with that right now."

Here's the story...

I'm on the phone with one of my friends and we are discussing our children and school (shocked?! I know...)
So she tells me about her child's recent decline in math grades and how it's become pretty steady ever since the last report card. We talk about how this child has been told that the grades are unacceptable and how the child has been given many opportunities to be "quizzed" at home and how they insist the child study every single night and so on...yet the child keeps reacting belligerently and "mouths off" and gets "fresh" when asked to show the work or walk the parents through the problem.

The last straw was a D+ on a test.

At her wits end, my friend told her child they must retake the test and bring home no less than a 96% or the child would have to explain the grade to the father (not a pretty scenario) then the child was sent to their room to STUDY for the test.

OK...I get it. This is a smart kid and failing is just completely out of the realm of acceptability...but insisting on an A when they just brought home a D is not (in my opinion) a reasonable request. It also introduces far too much stress into an already volatile situation which will only serve to degrade the child's self esteem & beliefs and will not get anyone's goals met.

I told my friend that what I believe needs to happen is she and her husband need to find out what is really happening with their child. Obviously, there is a method, formula or process which is not being understood and no level of threatening and studying is going to move this child past their block.

I liken it to handing someone assembly instructions written in a language (let's say Chinese) which is foreign to them and expecting them to complete the project. It wouldn't matter if I handed them an entire book written in Chinese...if they can't read the language, they can't read the language!

Even if I send them to their room to study for an hour and tell them over and over how smart they are that isn't doing them any good either. An hour later when I test them on what they read, they may get a few of the questions right just out of luck...but they still do not UNDERSTAND what they read. It would take a person who understands Chinese to sit with them and teach them the language before they could ace the test.


And that sums up my Mom Reality Bytes #13 for 2012:

When it comes to assisting my kids with dropping grades or failing tests, I must put my emphasis and effort into getting to the root of their misunderstanding (or block)and teach/walk them through it rather than punishing them by forcing them to focus on the things they don't understand.

So, I'm talking with one of my really good friends about her child and a recent experience they had around money and she asked me my opinion. Because I had just spilled my guts on my pal Regena's "Mad Money Mojo" teleseminar, I felt I was in a pretty good place to give her constructive feedback...so I listened.

Here's what happened: Her child was given a gift card for Christmas, but the items he wanted to buy were not at the same store as the gift card...so Mom agreed to give the child cash in exchange for the card as she knew she would be able to use it later. When the person who gave the child the card found out about this, they immediately got angry and said that the child should NOT have been allowed to spend that money and that he should have been made to "put it in the bank and save it".

I disagreed completely and my feedback to Mom was "If it were my son, I would have had him divide the money into 3 areas: an amount to spend, an amount to save and an amount to use for "good" (a donation, a gift for another child, food for the foodbank, etc...) We don't split those amounts evenly and it's not always consistent. For example if my son wanted to buy a specific item and was saving for it, he would be able to purchase that item first and then put away/donate the rest.

I believe that practice teaches children that there is a great deal of responsibility that comes with having money but at the same time there is much that we can do and accomplish with money other than just spending frivolously...and I believe it gives them a healthy understanding of and feelings about money.

And then, I realized something!

We as parents help our children to form beliefs about money from the time they are very young by the way we talk about it, manage it & spend it around them.

Many children experience a money dialogue that sounds like: "That's too expensive!", "When you get a job, you can waste your money on all the ---- you want." or "Don't give your money away, that was your birthday money." or "Hide that money you got from Grandma...you don't want someone to take it." to "I'm not made of money" or the ever popular " I don't bust my butt working to pay the electric bill so you can leave that light on all day!" But what we need to understand is that all of those statements and comments are creating in our kids a sense of negativity, fragility and scarcity around money!

So my Mom Reality Bytes #12 is:
If I truly believe we get what we focus on, then I am going to teach my children to respect, appreciate and invite money throughout life through:
An understanding of how to make it grow.
Knowledge of how to spend it wisely to get what they want.
And the desire to do what they can to bring joy to others.

Because not only do we get what we focus on, but I believe, when we give, we recieve.

01/13/12