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Fodder of the Week: "Testes...1,2,3! Testes...!" - New

Posted October 19, 2011 by Adam Dolgin in Society, Education, Entertainment, Family & Home, Health

If you want to test a microphone you blow on it. If you want to test out a guy's manhood you hoof him hard in the nuts, wait to see how long it takes him to get up, then measure the number of steps he's able to take before falling back down again. That's the test of a true man... or is it fatherhood? Let's think about that... No, it's hoofing him in the nuts.

"WHAT'S THE CAPITAL OF THAILAND ? BANGKOK!

So, there's this new article that came out the other day about testosterone and married men with kids not having any ("Testosterone Drop Helps Men Do Dad Duty: Study" - source: Yahoo Canada, September 2011). I read it and thought: "Kids? What about those guy's walking through a mall carrying their wife's purse in one hand and her teacup Chihuahua in the other? They don't have kids? What's their excuse?" So, it made me think: who comes up with these studies, and why is it everybody and their brother decided to post it on their Facebook "father" pages on the same day? I had a friend send this article to me yesterday, but before I even got a chance to read it there was this feeding frenzy on Facebook like I've never seen before. Apparently, in our new world, when a man's manhood is questioned he doesn't defend himself anymore, he simply "reposts" the article to all his female readers for comment. Ah, social networking...

But, back to the article/study in question: What made this "news?" Did it provide any new information? No. There was a study in 2002 that already covered this (http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/2002/09.19/01-testosterone.html), and it didn't attack married men with kids, per se- it attacked married men in general. In a nut shell, both studies "suggest" that there is an anthropological correlation between marriage and a drop in testosterone in men. Okay? But, it's not because our physiology changed to suit some male "nesting" gene to prepare us for having kids- it's because our marital status did!

Show me a married man, I'll show you a guy being fed foods high in estrogen (whether naturally or artificially added- it's all in the man boobs), a guy who watches more than his fair share of chic flicks, and a guy who after a mere three months will be able to tell you which of his wife's pumps go with her chartreuse dress. Now, fast forward a few years and show me a married man with kids- I'll show you a unic (with breasts). Who doesn't see the correlation in that!? Get married, your life changes, and so does the chemistry in both your body and your relationship. Get it?!? I don't think you do...

You throw a party for three hundred of your closest friends, pass out in a hotel room with the woman of your dreams, then wake up the next morning to a strange woman you don't know that suddenly demands that you change your eating, drinking, and dressing habits, your haircut, your bank account (joint of course), your living arrangements, and ultimately your entire lifestyle. Then, the next day she's asking you to buy a house for the 2 to 3 kids that you'll want to have back to back to back to get them out of the way, then there's a nanny, and programmes, and college funds... and you're probably laughing right now thinking I'm talking about my wife. I'm not- I'm talking about yours- and the scary part is you don't even know it yet. Your testosterone has been steadily declining from the day you got engaged- the day the hunter/gather in you started ordering take-out salads because your wife 'encouraged' you to do it for "health" reasons. Sad thing is nobody told YOU.

Did we really need someone to come up with a study on this? Was it absolutely necessary to upset all the father bloggers by telling them they've gone through the equivalent of male menopause (which probably started in their mid-twenties)? Was it really necessary to spend thousands of dollars on a study that wasn't, well, necessary? Here, let me save the taxpayers some money...All those guys selling off their beat up Playboy mag collections on Craig'slist aren't doing it because their Moms told them too; they're doing it because, suddenly (sadly), reading the articles became more important than looking at the pictures (sorry, it happens to the best of us).

So, yes. Married men, and especially married men with kids have a lower testosterone level than men of the same age that are single. Why? It's not because we had kids, if that's what you're thinking? If you ask me, it's because we're smart enough to give our wives what they want so they'll "release us" to have fun a couple of times a week (i.e. we get to have more sex than you because our M.I.L.F. wives are horny as hell and deplete our reserves). But, it's just a theory. What do I know- it's two in the morning?

Hmmm? My daughter's asleep... maybe my wife's awake?

Ummm...Look at the time...? Ya. Gotta go...now...

(Lower Testosterone my ass!)

Read more posts like this at : Fodder 4 Fathers http://theevilthatyouknow.blogspot.com/

Tags: Low testosterone, New Dads, Newborns, Babies, Testes, Medical Studies, Parenting, fatherhood

Gifts Wrapped in Chaos

Posted October 18, 2011 by Jackie VanCampen in Family & Home

Bedtime at my house can, at times, feel like a prison sentence. It’s always the same rushing around – feeding the kids some snack (15 minutes after they had dinner AND dessert), getting them to brush their teeth, reading a bedtime story, and the latest, ballet recitals.

I feel like I go into a time vortex – every minute counts! My three year old has recently decided to add a ballet repertoire to the bedtime routine. I have to sing ballet-type songs (whatever that means) while she twirls and points her toes and leaps like a true, professional prima ballerina. As fun as it is to watch her dance, there’s a part of me screaming for her to just get into bed and go to sleep already!

During my childhood, going to bed meant, I read a story, had a glass of milk, brushed my teeth, and went to bed and didn’t make a peep. No, water after the lights were out was definitely not allowed! Now I feel like I have been hijacked by my children. That would’ve never happened with my parents!

One day while driving home from work, I set an intention that all I wanted was a quiet, peaceful evening. I really just wanted to take some time to sit and meditate. In reality it was more like wishful thinking. I knew very well what was ahead of me.

We started the nightly routine, just like many nights before, where I had to come up with some Disney princess songs that I probably only knew one verse, battle the dragon that spat fire and had Princess Isabella stuck in the highest tower of the highest castle in all of Dragonland, sing every children’s song Barney has ever done a cover, sing itsy bitsy spider really fast while going up and down her back, and then sing it slow, and then when I thought I had exhausted all possible forms of entertainment and I could now kiss her good night and start to leave, I heard the inevitable whine, “I want my mommy!”

By this point I can feel my blood pressure rising and my blood boiling. I’m approaching the red zone. I take a few deep breaths and start telling her how I still need to help her older sister with her homework, how her other sister needs her to go to sleep, so she can go to sleep (they share a room and Jazzy usually can’t go to bed until Izzy is asleep otherwise all Izzy wants to do is talk), how I still have to take a shower, all to no avail. She cries and I feel like I too want to cry. So I give in and I sit in her toddler bed.

Suddenly there’s silence and in that silence the dark clouds in my mind open up to reveal the sun of wisdom and that’s when I get my AHA moment – the intention I had set for quiet and peace had been granted, but I was too busy with my mental chatter to notice the gift. When I finally became present in the moment, I realized that some gifts come wrapped in obscure ways and it takes one really being in the now to notice them. I sat there and basked in the silence and quietude of her room. I was probably in there for ten minutes and I actually got to do a short meditation.

I then noticed that she had finally fallen asleep. I got up, thanked her for being the bearer of that wonderful gift, kissed her good night, and walked out of her room feeling refreshed.

Moral of the story – be present to the gifts life is bringing you. It doesn’t always manifest in a logical kind of way, but if we are really aware, we will notice the gift even in the midst of chaos.

Do I still get triggered during bedtime? Of course! But I can always choose to shift my perspective and see the gifts and lessons each moment can bring.

Tags: Bedtime, toddlers, family

The Wind Beneath Her Wings

Posted October 18, 2011 by Jackie VanCampen in Family & Home

On December 11, 2011, my 13-year old daughter will be embarking on a journey that may forever change her life. As she steps forward and jumps off that cliff, her wings will open and she will take flight.

From afar I will be watching to see how much of my guidance she has absorbed up to this point. And from afar I will continue to do my best to guide her, letting go of the attachment of how it should all be.

My 13-year old is embarking on a journey of new discoveries, new relationships, new culture, new country, and new life style. As she chooses to make this move, a part of me just wants to hold on tight and embrace her with the strength of a mother bear, not wanting to let go of her cub. Then there’s the spiritual, wise side of me that knows I need to let her go and allow her the opportunity to create the most special relationship with her father who loves her just as much.

Tonight as I tucked her in and caressed her back, like I have done almost every night for the last thirteen years, I became deeply present to how much I am going to miss her. How much her sisters and stepdad are going to miss her, and how much her friends, grandparents, uncles, and aunts will miss her as well. We will all have our own emotions and opinions to deal with, and yet, we will come to appreciate how much she has changed our lives.

Will this move be a long one? We will have to wait and see. Someone had asked me the question, what if she decided to stay and make her life there? That’s something I will have to deal with if it comes to pass. For now, I’m just focused on making this transition graceful and somewhat easy for her and for everyone else whose lives will be deeply impacted by this change. As for me, I will probably be crying every time I hear Adele’s Someone Like You or Nikki Minaj’s Super Bass, and every time I see a soccer game, a friend of hers, when her sisters ask about her, or when I enter her room.

Life will be very different and I trust that distance will bring us closer together. Thank goodness for Skype!

Where have all the Adults gone?

Posted October 17, 2011 by Tara Kennedy-Kline in General Rant, Family & Home, Society, Shopping

At the shock and amazement of my teen aged neighbor, I admitted it: “I did NOT own a pair of heels until I was 17 years old”. When I told her this tale of woe, all she could muster was a horrified, WHY?!

I’ll tell you why! Because MY PARENTS WOULDN’T BUY THEM FOR ME!!!!

Heels were, in my parent’s opinion, for grown women and “dancers”. And I was neither. Therefore, since I didn’t have an income or means to get to the store by myself…I was kind of relegated to my parent’s final word on my wardrobe.

I’m sure if she were alive today there would have been some additions to Mom’s list of "things decent children do not wear", things like Short Shorts with the word “Juicy” written across the bottom, g-strings, see through blouses and push up bras, jeans with holes ripped in them BEFORE you buy them (particularly if the hole allows the entire butt cheek to hang out) and pants that fall down around the ankles…

It wouldn’t have even been an issue of us seeing things in the store and Mom giving in, you know why? Because Mom had the wallet and the car and the AUTHORITY to say no!

But before you start picturing Ma Walton here, understand that my mom was no pilgrim. She was a trendy, chic, sexy, fashion conscious woman who just happened to understand the difference between adults and children, even as it related to clothing.

But the best part is, our parent’s rules and views influenced our opinions and desires as kids too…imagine that! When I was a young girl hanging out at the mall or the pool, if one of the other girls would walk in with torn off jean shorts that showed her buttcheeks, the first thing the rest of us would think was “awwww, that poor girl needs a nice new pair of shorts”. If a classmate walked up to us with a push up bra on (in our day it would have been “stuffed”) we would have pretended to sneeze and ask for a tissue and then tell her to get over herself and be natural.

I don’t understand what has happened to our world. Where have all the adults gone? We need to find them…and when we do, they could start a movement that would be so incredibly powerful that it would wipe these pedophile fashionistas and lude, crude clothing lines for kids right off the planet! They could call this concept “authority” and any adult could use it!

All we would have to do is say “I don’t approve of that item and I am not willing to spend money on it.” And that would have to be the end of it. Because chances are, a 7 year old isn’t going to go out and get a job to pay for that push up bra…and if she tried to get a job, an adult would have to hire her.

So here's my campaign: I’ll step up…I’ll lead the quest for Adult Authority! My promise to you is this: When I see a parent at the store with their crying preschoolers who is begging for a corsette, or whining tweenager who is having a tantrum over "juicy" daisy dukes, I’ll be the whisper in your ear that says "you can beat this! You are the ADULT...don't give in." I'll even give you a tissue and a pat on the back.

If we use our power of authority for the good of our children, we can all sleep well knowing that justice has been served and one more little girl has been saved from the evils of the uberwedgie and the burdon of an underwire and our boys can finally say NO to butt crack!

Tags: toddlers, fashion, parenting, bras, trends, authority

TAKING A STAND AGAINST INFANT EAR PIERCING - NEW DAD S

Posted October 14, 2011 by Adam Dolgin in Family & Home, Education, Society

Now, take a deep breath, calm your mind, and listen to the story I am about to tell. It's about a little girl, only a few months old, who has been kidnapped and taken to the parking lot of a nearby mall. The kidnappers, two women in their late twenties/early thirties, drunk on power, unable to listen to reason, drag this little girl from the backseat of a minivan in to the mall. Inside, they make her do unspeakable things - they take her to a shoe store; a cosmetics counter; they even make her watch as they try on dresses... for fun. And then, if they hadn't destroyed enough of her innocence already, they inflict their final insult; their most heinous of horrific acts; their most evil of underhanded atrocities- they get her ears pierced...

Now imagine a little girl covered in the stench of THEIR rubbing alcohol, her EARLOBES covered in her BLOOD, and her face streaming, raining droplets of her own tears. Can you see it- her quivering lip holding back the screams? Can you see it- her blood red face holding back the tears? Can you see it? Can you see her face- this little girl covered in blood, and tears, and well-meaning intentions? Can you see her? Now imagine she's YOUR daughter...

(I love that movie)!

Gentlemen, where I come from, when a man puts his foot down his wife listens- or at least humors him. It's time to Fodder Up! Today's topic: allowing your wife to pierce your Baby's sensitive little ears. You may not win this battle, but at least you can educate yourself so you know what you're getting yourself, and your baby, in to.

Pros and Cons of Infant Ear Piercing:

You know why you don't want your wife to pierce your babies earlobes, but like most guys, so far, you're losing the war. My suggestion: fight fire with fire (in other words, let a woman, or a website for women, talk her out of it).

* http://www.livestrong.com/article/29589-pros-cons-pierced-ears/
* http://www.steadyhealth.com/articles/Ear_Piercing_by_infants__Pros_and_cons_a27 2.html
* http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1378848/should_you_pierce_your_babys_ears.html

The Debates:

Yes. There's no point in explaining your thoughts on the matter to your determined spouse. It will fall on deaf (pierced) ears. So, if the pros and cons don't seem to do the trick, a good debate never hurts...

* http://debatewise.org/debates/100-should-baby-ear-piercing-be-banned
* http://www.babyzone.com/baby/nurturing/photos_pierce_baby_ears
* http://www.mypregnancybaby.com/ear-piercing-babies/

The Video:

Like a desperate man trying to pluck at the heartstrings of the women that he loves, when all else fails... cry like a baby. If you're lucky, your wife will be so embarrassed that she'll drag both you and your child out of the salon and you will live to fight another day.

Video: (To Show Your Wife)

* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRtRgJv4bKg&feature=related
* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=822wLxXW48c&feature=related
* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9mC_yyJYRQ&feature=related

Gentlemen, good luck! You'll need it...

Tags: first-time fathers, babies, ear infection, dads, moms, New Dads

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