Tara Kennedy-Kline
The Holidays provide a wonderful opportunity to spend a great deal of time with family, friends and loved ones...particularly ones we don't see very often. Usually, our time together is spent indoors and after the kids have been out of school for WAY too long! Those kinds of conditions make for some pretty explosive interactions between parents and children...friends and children...and children and children.

It was during one of these explosions that my 5th realization came to light.

2 children were bickering over a game and the bickering became louder and louder until it became obvious that it would soon turn physical...the father of one of the children intervened with a booming voice "I'm tired of all the fighting! We are just trying to relax and have a nice time!" he then took the game and hurled it across the room with a final "THERE, now no one can fight over it!"

He did accomplish one thing...the room was quieter...however, he did cause a lot of tears and hurt feelings. There were several people in that room who were incredibly offended by his actions and poor example and quite frankly, expected an apology from him. When dad refused to apologize, the silent treatment became too "yucky" and the evening ended. When I spoke to some of my friends later, it became clear to me that most parents, particularly Dads, assume apologizing means saying they are "sorry"...sorry being synonymous with "weak" and "pathetic" as in: "you're a sorry excuse for a man". (Let's all say Thank you to Dirty Harry...)

But apologizing does not have to mean being sorry at all! When we as adults make a mistake which impacts another person (including our child), we must be willing to look at what we have done and ask ourselves; is what I did, or the way I reacted, something I would tolerate from or teach to my child? Is that a behavior I would coach and say is acceptable? Is that a model I want my child to follow?

If it is not, then an apology becomes as absolutely necessary as saying please or thank you.

"I want to apologize for the way I acted (what I did or said). I was angry/frustrated/embarrassed, and I made a poor choice. If I had that to do over again, I would..." No "I'm sorry" required.

What that all boiled down to for me is my Realization #5 of 2012:
Being the parent does not excuse me from apologizing when I'm wrong. To the contrary, it REQUIRES me to do so. If expressing an apology is something I expect my children to do...the lessons of when and how to do it must be taught by me.

01/05/2012
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