Liar, thief, bully, smart mouth, recluse, rebel...labels parents never want to hear attached to their children, yet chances are, it’s the parents themselves who’ve created them.
These “labels” are more accurately known as “behaviors”, and human behaviors stem from emotions. In other words, “The way we FEEL determines how we ACT”.
Since children are human...it stands to reason that their actions and behaviors stem from their emotions and how they feel as well.
If your child is acting out in a way that is undesirable or negative, chances are, they are feeling bad, scared, angry or frustrated about something (or many things) in their life...since they don’t have the same options as adults in similar situations, they act out or lash out to get their feelings out.
For example: If you are a parent, you probably have another adult person in your life. If that person is disrespectful, hurtful, angry or even physically violent toward you...you have options. You can tell them off, you can fight with them, you can have an adult conversation with them, you can choose to not be in relationship with them and/or you can leave. Our children have NONE of those options...
Now, can you imagine the anger and frustration you would feel if the person you lived with had total control over you? What you ate, when you slept, who you were friends with, what you wore, how you were allowed to talk and what you were allowed to do...ALL THE TIME!!! And if you dared to disagree or argue or not comply, you would be punished or disciplined...Can you imagine if that person were allowed to yell at you, insult you, embarrass you or even hit you when you did something they felt was wrong or inappropriate?
How would you react to that person? What would your relationship look like with him or her? Would you trust them? Would you lie? Would you hide mistakes? Would you refuse to speak to them or choose to speak to them with rudeness? Would you sneak the things you wanted? Would you fight back...or fight with others? Would you shut down? Would you run away?
These are all normal reactions that as adults we can see ourselves doing...but in children, we label those reactions as “issues” and we look to treat, medicate or discipline them.
I see this behavior as treating the symptom instead of the disease. If the cause of the pain in our leg is diabetes...do we take asprin for the pain, or do we treat the diabetes?
I’m not suggesting for a moment that children be allowed to roam free and have no guidance or accountability...but I am suggesting that when we engage in correcting our children, we should also be thinking about how we would react as an adult if we were being handled in the same way. If emotions truly are the basis of our behaviors...think about it; what emotions are you building in your child and what behaviors are you causing?
Seek first to understand...then guide in the direction of your dreams.
As a work from home mom of 2 boys, one of which is on the autism spectrum, I spend a great deal of time on line looking up the latest tips, techniques and strategies for being the best parent I can be for my kids…but what I have come to find all too often are nasty, lashing, mean spirited comments to otherwise benign, opinion based articles written by intelligent, well meaning authors.
It seems that topics like "breast feeding", “the family bed” and “potty training” have hit some kind of personal nerve and everyone, whether they are parents or not, have suddenly grown the most amazing set of internet balls ever and are unleashing their venom on anyone who has an opposing opinion or is unaware of a personal tragedy that happened to them when they were 2 years old and has scarred them for life.
Really people? Is this what our “village” of parenting has come to? Insult, ridicule and judgment over topics that truly will not have any effect on your life at all whatsoever?…
My beef is the fact that there are children in our country who are still being abused, both physically and verbally in their homes on a daily basis…there are children being neglected, starved and even killed by the people who are supposed to be raising and protecting them and we have the audacity to tear each other up on line over whether or not we should be allowed to take our kids on an airplane?!?!? We have no problem ripping parents a new one if they dare to let their child run in the isles of a grocery store yet the person next door to at least one of us is refusing their child meals and locking them in a closet as punishment…and in those situations, when a child truly NEEDS you and your big mouth could finally make a difference...suddenly those big internet balls shrink up like you jumped into a cold shower…
You know what? The next time you feel compelled to talk smack on a mother who chooses to give her child a pacifier…think about all the babies who are being shaken or beaten for crying too much, then bite your tongue; Because in the grand scheme of things…Those of us who are looking for information on line are simply doing the best we can with the information, resources and support we have available. So if your comments aren’t offering me one of those things, then all they are meant to do is give you 2 minutes of underserved fame, so keep them to yourself.
Bottom line: If you comment critics are such “child advocates” with such big opinions and big mouths…how about using that big voice to start a campaign for children that really matters…and put your money where your mouse is.
I woke up to a beautiful, sunny morning. The birds sang outside my window and I could hear my husband already washing dishes and taking care of the morning chores...it was perfect! My life seems really perfect...so then why do I keep crying?
First I cried because my youngest son woke up screaming at me for no apparent reason.
Then, I cried because my husband barked at me out of frustration for being to “easy” on the kid (even though I was doing my best).
I cried because I had to spend 30 minutes trying to get my son to come in the house after he ran.
I cried because I had to cancel yet another meeting to drive him to school.
I cried because I look like Hell and I have to go into the school.
I cried because my husband walked out the door in a bad mood, without a kiss or even an “I love you”.
I cried because the secretary at the school told me “it’s only going to get worse next year...we coddle them here and that won’t happen in Middle School.”
I cried because I turned on the radio and listened to the latest “mommy wars” debate & I got so frustrated with parents who have “typical” kids finding reasons to complain about them or overreact or judge each other’s parenting...and they can’t see how GREAT they have it!
...I cried because, today, I don’t understand my son. Because he has autism, so I can’t teach him, and guide him and reason with him and calm him and discipline him and negotiate with him like other kids...and other moms.
I cried because sometimes it is just so hard and I feel like it shouldn’t be. Because just once, I want to yell and put my foot down and tell him “This is ridiculous and YES, it’s not fair but I need you to just LISTEN to me!”...and without hitting, or swearing or screaming or running or breaking anything...to hear him just say “Ok Mom”.
But let's face it; that’s not going to happen today. What is going to happen today is the sun will keep shining, my kids and my husband will come home smiling and having forgotten all about this morning, and in our "perfectly imperfect" life, this will end up being a "good day".
At 8:45 tonight I kissed and hugged my thirteen-year-old good bye as she walked through the security gate at LAX. My daughter Marla just took a quantum leap for what’s possible in her life. She is moving to Brazil with her dad and grandma for, at least right now, two years.
Up until the this point, I have been actually doing pretty good, considering I’m sending my daughter off to another country and won’t get to see her much when I’m used to seeing her every day. This weekend was rough. Friday I had a surprise “World of Possibilities” party, as I like to call it since it seems more joyous than Going Away party, and she was totally surprised. I had about 35 13/14 year olds. It was awesome and as we opened the door, all her friends threw confetti at her and shouted, “Surprise!!!!” Even though I did not get to see her expression, since all these kids pretty much swarmed her, she told me she almost had a heart attack! How’s that for excitement!
Yesterday must have been the hardest since I got to pack all her stuff, while she played with her friends all day and spent the night with her cousins. All I could think of was when I left Brazil to come back to America to live with my dad. I was nineteen years old. I remember the last few days all I wanted to do was hang out with my friends and I think I barely spent any time with my mom. As I spent these last few days with Marla, I went back to that time 19 years ago, when I took the leap of faith to move here for a world of possibilities. Now as a mother I started wondering what my mom must have felt when I left or when I chose my friends over her. She never made me feel guilty about it just as I didn’t make Marla feel guilty about it, but I’m sure it hurt just as it hurt me. Not that she spent time with her friends, but that a piece of me was leaving, even though I know that this is going to be an amazing opportunity for her. I think in a way, this was an opportunity for me to heal whatever regrets I had about those years ago with my mom that I didn’t even know were there until this weekend; and as the anniversary of mom’s passing approaches tomorrow, I feel even more present to these feelings.
I was suppressing my emotions all day yesterday to the point where I yelled at my three-year-old for doing what three year olds do. I then realized that I had to connect to my heart and let my emotions flow. I hugged her as I cried and said sorry for yelling at her. I knew I had been pushing my emotions down and avoiding them at all costs. My chest started to hurt as I could feel my heart contracting. As I burst into tears I could feel my heart feeling more spacious and the sadness dissipating some. I felt released and light.
“Never mind I’ll find someone like you…” The radio was playing Adele as we got in the car to go to the airport. I started to cry since that’s one of Marla’s favorite songs. Then as we picked up a few of her friends to go with us, one of her friends, who wasn’t able to go with us, gave her a big hug. I completely broke down. I turned my face away so she wouldn’t see me sobbing, but it was impossible for her not to notice as I started sniffling and breathing with more intensity as I wiped my face over and over again. She held it together well. I hope she’s not learning to shove down her emotions…
I cried at least half way to the airport. I started to relate to the parents who send their kids away to college. You know they will be fine; you know you will see them again, but there’s an element of letting go that is quite challenging. It’s like a rite of passage into adulthood. They have been your child this whole time and then suddenly they are off on their own. It’s a feeling that only those who have experienced it can actually understand. It’s a desire to hold on and yet, there is a joy inside and excitement for what they will get to accomplish next. Although Marla is not there yet, if she does choose to stay the full two years her dad wants her to stay, she will be almost sixteen by the time she comes back. She will have grown so much and probably changed so much too. And then there’s the possibility she may really love her new life and choose to stay. One day at a time…
As we headed back home, my seven-year-old started to cry. She was sad to see her big sister leave. It also reminded me of my little brother. When I left Brazil he was two months shy of being five years old. I never really thought of what must have been like for him to have his big sister go. I wonder if he really ever understood why I was leaving. I wonder if he missed me as I see Jasmine missing Marla…
I see so many parallels between my life and Marla’s. I’m her twin as she likes to say. The difference now, however, is that when I left Brazil, it was more because my mom felt there were no opportunities for me there. The economy was terrible, there were no jobs, and she didn’t feel I had future that would really expand my life. With Marla, she has opportunities in both places and now she gets to go so she can experience her culture; become fluent in another language; expand her mind; and get to know her relatives better.
I wrote to her that home is where the heart is and she’s fortunate to have many places she can call home, and that this home is always open for her whenever she chooses to return.
I’m missing my big baby girl already and I know it will take some time to adjust; however, I’ll be plenty busy with my other two little ones and putting the finishing touches on my book which launches in March, which has been written to Marla.
This year has been quite the year with major events happening and I’m looking forward to an even greater 2012. More opportunities to travel to Brazil and beyond!
Mom Reality Bytes #1:
Today as I witnessed a dear friend discipline their child, I noticed that they reached a point where their very valid point was replaced by a passionate desire to merely elicit a desired reaction from the child.
At that moment, the child was no longer hearing or engaged with the parent and the opportunity for teaching/learning was lost.
My first realization of the new year is this:
"When I use discipline to get the reaction I want out of my child, I fail my child. When I am focused on seeking to understand my child and the lesson I can teach through discipline, both my child and I will grow and achieve success."
01-01-2012
Tara Kennedy-Kline (34)
