Tara Kennedy-Kline
It’s one of those Mondays…about an hour into the new work week and already I have had to reschedule a meeting, cancel an order, find a new trucking company, I’ve lost my temper (twice), and spilled my coffee…

As mop off my desk on the verge of tears, I decide that this day is shot and my only option is to go back to bed, sleep off my funk, and hopefully wake up on the “right side” when I start over.

I begin to daydream of burying myself under the covers when I hear my 10 year old son having a meltdown in the other room, so I go to investigate.

Of course, what I find is the typical end of summer scene for moms of siblings all over the planet…my oldest has been teasing his little brother with everything from the TV remote to the kitten, his breakfast and apparently, underwear! I walk in to the chaos with the grace of an angry bull and send each of them to their own corners where I can interrogate them separately in order to ascertain the “truth” of what happened.

Max (the oldest) is of course completely innocent based on the mere fact that he is older and was doing whatever he thought was best for his younger brother…and I should appreciate his desire to “help me” while I was having a bad morning.

Alex (My aspie) is totally out of control, but completely logical as he throws the remote in the direction of Max’s head while telling his brother “it makes me angry when you change the channel and touch my food!”

Hmm, both have valid arguments, where to start?

Violence gets the attention first so I ask Max to leave because he is the catalyst at the moment.

In typical family situations, once the irritant has been removed, the chaos usually resolves itself…but if you’ve ever spent time with an Aspergian, you know that “typical” is not all that common and de-escalation can take a Really. Long. Time… Too often when our children get out of control, our first reaction is to scold them or chastise them for their bad behavior but for kids like Alex, that reprimand is just one more reminder of their difficulty to “be normal” which typically results in an even bigger, angrier reaction.

Too often when our children get out of control, our first reaction is to scold them or chastise them for their bad behavior but for kids like Alex, that reprimand is just one more reminder of their difficulty to “be normal” which typically results in an even bigger, angrier reaction.






Thankfully our family has been through some amazing trainings and have learned some useful techniques along the way; one of them being this really cool process called “errorless compliance”. The process involves praising him for doing what we ask, even if the request is as simple as asking him to put his head on the floor as he is actively lying down, or asking him to punch as hard as he can while he is actively hitting the couch.

By changing his focus and letting him realize success, we help him to understand that when he is calm and he is following directions, he is in control and things more easily flow in the direction he would be happy with.

We use this process when Alex is so escalated that we can’t even get him to see straight, not to mention listen to us, and we need to help him relax so we can communicate.
I know it sounds a bit silly…but when a child like Alex is completely overwhelmed and at the height of frustration, the most calming thing we can do for him is to inundate him with success.

Once Alex and I had worked through his frustration, I came back to my office and noticed my desk was still covered with cold coffee. With a fresh perspective, I finished mopping my desk. I then sat down and in the spirit of “errorless compliance” I made a new to-do list for my day.

1. Break up Kid fight
2. Spend 20 minutes with Alex
3. Clean desk
4. Make to-do list for the day
5. Spend 20 minutes with Max
6. Make coffee
7. Write blog…

WOW! 5 things checked off my list already! This is going to be an amazingly successful day! And I didn’t even have to go back to bed…

So the lesson my kids taught me today is this: The next time you are feeling stressed, frustrated, defeated or just plain sucky…give yourself a well deserved do over. Make a new to-do list, and on the first five tasks, be sure failure is NOT an option.
Tara Kennedy-Kline
There was a time in my life when I believed there was just too much to bear.

I had created a closet full of skeletons and hid them away. I spent every day in panic and depression with regular anxiety attacks. And then, because of a necessary credit check, the closet door was about to be opened and it was all going to coming spilling into the world.

I called at least 4 psychologists in my area but all of them were too busy. I recall speaking to a homeopathic counselor as a last resort. Her suggestion was to get a tanning club membership; she said the sunlight would cheer me up. That actually did work for a period, but my dog eventually got tired of me following him around to sit in his sunny spots.

Another Doctor thought it would be more effective to medicate me rather than listen to me. His plan was lithium…”Don’t they make batteries out of that stuff?! No thanks! I’ll pass!”

I remember the turning point for me as if it was yesterday. I was getting dressed (so it must have been late afternoon) I had spent the first part of the day obsessing over the debt I owed and how I wasn’t earning enough to pay it off, how I was sure my husband would leave me when he found out, how I had alienated most of my friends because I had become a complaining ego maniac. All the thoughts and beliefs that kept me stuck in my hole of sadness played like a broken record, repeating and screaming in my head.

I was standing in my closet crying. I don’t know exactly why, I suppose it was the overwhelm of my life and the fear of what was to come. “I can’t do this anymore!” I yelled out loud as if someone could hear me other than the walls. ” Please help me…I don’t know what else to do!”

I just stood in my little space staring at the things on my dresser and then I noticed a bracelet sitting there. It looked like one of the woven friendship bracelets I had made in school, but it had 4 lettered beads in it. WWJD. It wasn’t very pretty really, so I didn’t wear it except for the day it was given to me at a fundraiser by some old grungy Harley guy who came up to my booth and handed it to me. Now that I think about it…he was pretty happy!

As I stared at the bracelet, I tried to remember what the letters stood for. Wacky, Wild, Jesus Dude…I knew that was wrong, but it made me laugh anyway.

W…where, what…was…would: “What Would Jesus Do!?”

I let the words land for a minute as I thought about what was really going on in my life. My problems seemed mighty small in that moment.

Given what I had heard of the stories…what would he do?

“Bare the Burden and Make it Right.” The words blasted in my head as if someone were yelling into a megaphone. I had never heard that before…but the statement was so definite and powerful it made me cry…HARD!

I cried for a long time and when I stopped, my whole body felt as though I had been through a washing machine. I felt lighter and breathed deeper. And I felt like I had a purpose.

I didn’t tell anyone else about what happened that day…but from that event on, every time I felt panicked or a negative thought came to mind, I would clear it by thinking “Bare the burden and make it right”. This became my first affirmation.

After that day, I began to notice that instead of obsessing over problems, I was focused on creating the solution to them. My story went from devastation and depression to determination and diligence.

Doors began to open for me and more importantly, I got my friends and my life back.
I would notice and create hundreds of affirmations in the years to follow, but one will always be my challis, my trident. If something lands in my path that seems insurmountable…I look at it dead on and say “I can bare this burden and make it right.”
Tara Kennedy-Kline
Last evening, while my husband and I were talking about people we know and what we noticed about their parenting styles (c'mon...you know you do it too) I realized something...

Parenting is a skill, much like an art or a language, that must be learned and taught throughout life and through the generations.

Much like cooking or playing an instrument or speaking a second language...some of us are born with mentors who are proficient (or even somewhat gifted) in that skill and teach and tutor us through our life. If,however, we are not born to a mentor but still want to learn, it becomes completely necessary for us to seek out a person to teach us.

The first example that came into my head was: If I wanted to speak French, I could not look to my parents to teach me because they don't speak French! I would have to find a class or a tutor to teach me. And even then, if I wanted to become great (or fluent)I would need to continue to take classes and surround myself with others who spoke French fluently so I could model them.
Parenting should be treated with that same level of purpose and desire for knowledge and learning to become great.

If every parent embraced the reality that not everyone is born with the inherant ability to be a great parent, nor is everyone born with great parents to guide them...then perhaps we could release the stigma of "parenting classes" and allow them to be as common as learning to play the piano or cook like a master chef...Wow! What if that happened?

So, My third realization of 2012 is: I have a lot to learn as a parent, many of my friends could use some classes in parenting, and I want to raise my children to be great parents. I expect my children to enroll in some form of higher education at some point in their lives just as their father and I did...I realize there is no school to pursue a MGP ("Masters in Great Parenting") So if I am going to start the movement to change the impression of Parenting classes, I am going to have to be the first to sign up and be loud and proud about what I learn and practice, practice, practice!

1-3-12
Tara Kennedy-Kline
The Holidays provide a wonderful opportunity to spend a great deal of time with family, friends and loved ones...particularly ones we don't see very often. Usually, our time together is spent indoors and after the kids have been out of school for WAY too long! Those kinds of conditions make for some pretty explosive interactions between parents and children...friends and children...and children and children.

It was during one of these explosions that my 5th realization came to light.

2 children were bickering over a game and the bickering became louder and louder until it became obvious that it would soon turn physical...the father of one of the children intervened with a booming voice "I'm tired of all the fighting! We are just trying to relax and have a nice time!" he then took the game and hurled it across the room with a final "THERE, now no one can fight over it!"

He did accomplish one thing...the room was quieter...however, he did cause a lot of tears and hurt feelings. There were several people in that room who were incredibly offended by his actions and poor example and quite frankly, expected an apology from him. When dad refused to apologize, the silent treatment became too "yucky" and the evening ended. When I spoke to some of my friends later, it became clear to me that most parents, particularly Dads, assume apologizing means saying they are "sorry"...sorry being synonymous with "weak" and "pathetic" as in: "you're a sorry excuse for a man". (Let's all say Thank you to Dirty Harry...)

But apologizing does not have to mean being sorry at all! When we as adults make a mistake which impacts another person (including our child), we must be willing to look at what we have done and ask ourselves; is what I did, or the way I reacted, something I would tolerate from or teach to my child? Is that a behavior I would coach and say is acceptable? Is that a model I want my child to follow?

If it is not, then an apology becomes as absolutely necessary as saying please or thank you.

"I want to apologize for the way I acted (what I did or said). I was angry/frustrated/embarrassed, and I made a poor choice. If I had that to do over again, I would..." No "I'm sorry" required.

What that all boiled down to for me is my Realization #5 of 2012:
Being the parent does not excuse me from apologizing when I'm wrong. To the contrary, it REQUIRES me to do so. If expressing an apology is something I expect my children to do...the lessons of when and how to do it must be taught by me.

01/05/2012
Tara Kennedy-Kline
Today, I realized that even when I'm wrong...If I feel scolded, I will defend my position to the death!

Here's what happened...see if you can relate.

I had an appointment with both of my boys, during school hours, right after a very lengthy Holiday recess. I knew precisely what time I had to leave in order to pick up 2 children from 2 different schools and then fight traffic all the way to my destination which is more than 30 minutes away. I left my house on time and arrived at the first school where I waited for over 20 minutes to pick up my oldest son...now I'm late!

At the second school, my youngest took his sweet little time and once he did arrive at the office, he realized he had to use the restroom (yes, kids have realizations too...but NOW I'm extra late)

Traffic sucked and the kids lolly gagged into the office because they had fallen asleep and really didn't want to be there.

UBER late!!!

When I walk into the office, I am pounced upon by the first person I see "YOU'RE appointment was over 20 minutes ago!!!" And she whisked my son away as I replied 'OH WELL!"

Then the Big Dog came out to speak to me (under the guise of talking about my son...like I didn't see THAT one coming!) Complete with hands on hips, the first words out of Big Dogs mouth were "You were late AGAIN!"

NO KIDDING! ARGHHHH!!!! Now I'm pissed!

The next thing I know, I'm unloading on The Big Dog about how I warned them when they made the appointment that the time they gave me wouldn't work! How I told them I'd be late! How my kids are at 2 different schools and they're slow and the traffic sucked and GET OFF MY BACK!

To which Big Dog sheepishly replied "I guess we will have to make sure your appointments are after school next time."

Yeah! Ok......that would work...thanks for that. I'm better now.

Then it hit me, Realization #6 of 2012:
"If my approach makes people feel attacked and guilty, they will feel they need to defend themselves and nothing will get resolved. If I notice a problem and simply ask "What can I do to assist you with this?" or "How can we make this easier for you?" They are more likely to hear me and be willing to try."

01/06/2012
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