I walked my kid up to the bus in my jammies today. Yes...complete with my robe and my fuzzy slippers! ALLLLLL the way up to the bus, right past 3 houses and a guy walking his dog.
SO WHAT?! That guy walking his dog was wearing the same flannel shirt and overalls he wears EVERY FRICKIN DAY and I don't judge him...but he sure felt compelled to comment on my inability to "get dressed" before I had to run out the door now didn't he?
Yeah well, you know what else I screwed up?! I didn't brush my kid's hair either! At least he HAS hair! SO, THERE!
But here's the point...who was I hurting? Who suffered or was burdened by my "jammie fiasco"? Truly?...No one. Other than exposing some neighbors to a down-home "people of Wal-Mart" experience...nothing bad happened.
So why do people feel it necessary to open their mouths? When did we make it so acceptable for the imperfect people of the world to judge the other people around them? Why do we feel the need to put ourselves on such a high horse and determine what is acceptable and what is not for other people who don't even effect us?
I understand that individuals have their own unique ideas and beliefs about how the world should look. And I get that in your perfect opinion, jammies should not be worn outside the home. And in a mature non judgmental conversation, I may even agree with you (if we are talking about public places like stores and restaurants) But when you attack me by telling me what I am doing wrong (in your opinion) and then give me examples of how you do it "right" (which is totally offensive to me if I didn't ask for your advice.) You are only going to succeed at pushing me farther and farther away from you and your beliefs...and eventually, you may even drive me to defend myself against you and take the opposite point of view. Is that really the best way to reach your goal?
Humans have gone far beyond simply expressing an opinion of others...we have crossed over into the damaging realm of micro-judging. It's like micro-managing, but with harsher consequences. And it needs to be stopped!
If I am wearing something, doing something, saying something or being something that you don't like or agree with and you feel the overwhelming need to save me from my misguided ness...please do me a favor; Stop, take a deep breath and ask yourself these questions:
Is someone suffering?
Is permanent damage being done?
Did anyone ask for my help or opinion?
Is this going to affect me or my life AT ALL?
And if all 4 answers are No, then do me a favor...bite your tongue and go be yourself!
"Laws alone cannot secure freedom of expression; in order that every man present his views without penalty there must be spirit of tolerance in the entire population." ~ Albert Einstein
This week we will focus on "Respectful Communication"...listen without interruption, judgement, defense or critique. When engaging in conversation, make it a rule in your home that each person who is NOT talking, will count to three in their head after the speaker has said their last word. Only then will it be a good time for the next person to take "the talking stick" and begin speaking.
Journal prompt Day #1:
What was the best thing about my day?
Ask your child(ren) to answer the same question and REALLY LISTEN TO THEIR ANSWERS...you may be amazed at what they consider to be "best".
To get the full value of joy, you must have someone to divide it with. ~ Mark Twain
I’m standing here in my kitchen reading a message I received from a friend about how my book impacted her life. She said she had no idea how much I had gone through because I was always so full of light… As I thought about what she said, I began to think of the struggles and circumstances in my life and how I had decided to step out of being a victim to be being in charge of my happiness…
We often say that certain situations make us a better a better person, and, although I agree with this statement, I feel that it’s not so much our circumstances that make us a better person; rather, it’s the choice we make to win over our circumstances that makes us a better person. I know many people who use their struggles to keep themselves victims and disempowered.
When my daughter chose to move with her dad to Brazil, what came to me was that this was the time for her to be his teacher; for her to show him another way of being; for him to connect with something deeper within himself… I knew that she had been the main reason why I chose to go on a journey of healing and transformation. I wanted to give her a better life. I wanted to show her what self-love felt like. I wanted to show her what a good relationship looked like. Then tonight, as I thought of her mission to be her father’s teacher, it hit me that perhaps her mission those many years back, when I decided to go on my healing journey, was to be my teacher. What if she actually was the catalyst for me to know what self-love felt like? What if she came to show me what a good relationship looks like?
What if she truly were that powerful? What if our children were that powerful? Often times as parents we think we are the ones teaching, when in reality, we are the ones being taught. Now that’s an interesting concept!
As her father now gets to be blessed with having her full-time as his teacher, it’s my hope that he will take full advantage of the learning opportunity and begin his own journey of healing and transformation.
What would it take to acknowledge our children for the gift they bring to our lives; for the lessons and the experiences we get to have with them, even the ones we deem painful and impossible to change? How grand it is to intertwine the relationship we have as parents and children! How can we gift that to our communities and the world?
I will end with an excerpt from my book – Letters to My Daughter: A Mother’s Journey of Healing and Transformation
” Marla, your presence in my life has always been a healing presence, but this journey of watching you make your choice to go to Brazil has taken my own healing to all new places.
As I’ve watched and supported you in making your own choices and listening to your heart, I have been able to look back and further heal my own story.
You and I are being led along a magical journey, and we get to choose how we see, feel, and behave while on this new adventure.
You can fly. Strengthen those wings, Baby. Learn how to let the wind carry you. Learn to trust it. Your purpose is bigger than you can imagine. This is just the beginning.”
www.wiseheartwithin.com
Liar, thief, bully, smart mouth, recluse, rebel...labels parents never want to hear attached to their children, yet chances are, it’s the parents themselves who’ve created them.
These “labels” are more accurately known as “behaviors”, and human behaviors stem from emotions. In other words, “The way we FEEL determines how we ACT”.
Since children are human...it stands to reason that their actions and behaviors stem from their emotions and how they feel as well.
If your child is acting out in a way that is undesirable or negative, chances are, they are feeling bad, scared, angry or frustrated about something (or many things) in their life...since they don’t have the same options as adults in similar situations, they act out or lash out to get their feelings out.
For example: If you are a parent, you probably have another adult person in your life. If that person is disrespectful, hurtful, angry or even physically violent toward you...you have options. You can tell them off, you can fight with them, you can have an adult conversation with them, you can choose to not be in relationship with them and/or you can leave. Our children have NONE of those options...
Now, can you imagine the anger and frustration you would feel if the person you lived with had total control over you? What you ate, when you slept, who you were friends with, what you wore, how you were allowed to talk and what you were allowed to do...ALL THE TIME!!! And if you dared to disagree or argue or not comply, you would be punished or disciplined...Can you imagine if that person were allowed to yell at you, insult you, embarrass you or even hit you when you did something they felt was wrong or inappropriate?
How would you react to that person? What would your relationship look like with him or her? Would you trust them? Would you lie? Would you hide mistakes? Would you refuse to speak to them or choose to speak to them with rudeness? Would you sneak the things you wanted? Would you fight back...or fight with others? Would you shut down? Would you run away?
These are all normal reactions that as adults we can see ourselves doing...but in children, we label those reactions as “issues” and we look to treat, medicate or discipline them.
I see this behavior as treating the symptom instead of the disease. If the cause of the pain in our leg is diabetes...do we take asprin for the pain, or do we treat the diabetes?
I’m not suggesting for a moment that children be allowed to roam free and have no guidance or accountability...but I am suggesting that when we engage in correcting our children, we should also be thinking about how we would react as an adult if we were being handled in the same way. If emotions truly are the basis of our behaviors...think about it; what emotions are you building in your child and what behaviors are you causing?
Seek first to understand...then guide in the direction of your dreams.
I woke up to a beautiful, sunny morning. The birds sang outside my window and I could hear my husband already washing dishes and taking care of the morning chores...it was perfect! My life seems really perfect...so then why do I keep crying?
First I cried because my youngest son woke up screaming at me for no apparent reason.
Then, I cried because my husband barked at me out of frustration for being to “easy” on the kid (even though I was doing my best).
I cried because I had to spend 30 minutes trying to get my son to come in the house after he ran.
I cried because I had to cancel yet another meeting to drive him to school.
I cried because I look like Hell and I have to go into the school.
I cried because my husband walked out the door in a bad mood, without a kiss or even an “I love you”.
I cried because the secretary at the school told me “it’s only going to get worse next year...we coddle them here and that won’t happen in Middle School.”
I cried because I turned on the radio and listened to the latest “mommy wars” debate & I got so frustrated with parents who have “typical” kids finding reasons to complain about them or overreact or judge each other’s parenting...and they can’t see how GREAT they have it!
...I cried because, today, I don’t understand my son. Because he has autism, so I can’t teach him, and guide him and reason with him and calm him and discipline him and negotiate with him like other kids...and other moms.
I cried because sometimes it is just so hard and I feel like it shouldn’t be. Because just once, I want to yell and put my foot down and tell him “This is ridiculous and YES, it’s not fair but I need you to just LISTEN to me!”...and without hitting, or swearing or screaming or running or breaking anything...to hear him just say “Ok Mom”.
But let's face it; that’s not going to happen today. What is going to happen today is the sun will keep shining, my kids and my husband will come home smiling and having forgotten all about this morning, and in our "perfectly imperfect" life, this will end up being a "good day".
Tara Kennedy-Kline (34)
