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Mom Reality Bytes #1:
Today as I witnessed a dear friend discipline their child, I noticed that they reached a point where their very valid point was replaced by a passionate desire to merely elicit a desired reaction from the child.

At that moment, the child was no longer hearing or engaged with the parent and the opportunity for teaching/learning was lost.

My first realization of the new year is this:
"When I use discipline to get the reaction I want out of my child, I fail my child. When I am focused on seeking to understand my child and the lesson I can teach through discipline, both my child and I will grow and achieve success."

01-01-2012

At 8:45 tonight I kissed and hugged my thirteen-year-old good bye as she walked through the security gate at LAX. My daughter Marla just took a quantum leap for what’s possible in her life. She is moving to Brazil with her dad and grandma for, at least right now, two years.

Up until the this point, I have been actually doing pretty good, considering I’m sending my daughter off to another country and won’t get to see her much when I’m used to seeing her every day. This weekend was rough. Friday I had a surprise “World of Possibilities” party, as I like to call it since it seems more joyous than Going Away party, and she was totally surprised. I had about 35 13/14 year olds. It was awesome and as we opened the door, all her friends threw confetti at her and shouted, “Surprise!!!!” Even though I did not get to see her expression, since all these kids pretty much swarmed her, she told me she almost had a heart attack! How’s that for excitement!

Yesterday must have been the hardest since I got to pack all her stuff, while she played with her friends all day and spent the night with her cousins. All I could think of was when I left Brazil to come back to America to live with my dad. I was nineteen years old. I remember the last few days all I wanted to do was hang out with my friends and I think I barely spent any time with my mom. As I spent these last few days with Marla, I went back to that time 19 years ago, when I took the leap of faith to move here for a world of possibilities. Now as a mother I started wondering what my mom must have felt when I left or when I chose my friends over her. She never made me feel guilty about it just as I didn’t make Marla feel guilty about it, but I’m sure it hurt just as it hurt me. Not that she spent time with her friends, but that a piece of me was leaving, even though I know that this is going to be an amazing opportunity for her. I think in a way, this was an opportunity for me to heal whatever regrets I had about those years ago with my mom that I didn’t even know were there until this weekend; and as the anniversary of mom’s passing approaches tomorrow, I feel even more present to these feelings.

I was suppressing my emotions all day yesterday to the point where I yelled at my three-year-old for doing what three year olds do. I then realized that I had to connect to my heart and let my emotions flow. I hugged her as I cried and said sorry for yelling at her. I knew I had been pushing my emotions down and avoiding them at all costs. My chest started to hurt as I could feel my heart contracting. As I burst into tears I could feel my heart feeling more spacious and the sadness dissipating some. I felt released and light.

“Never mind I’ll find someone like you…” The radio was playing Adele as we got in the car to go to the airport. I started to cry since that’s one of Marla’s favorite songs. Then as we picked up a few of her friends to go with us, one of her friends, who wasn’t able to go with us, gave her a big hug. I completely broke down. I turned my face away so she wouldn’t see me sobbing, but it was impossible for her not to notice as I started sniffling and breathing with more intensity as I wiped my face over and over again. She held it together well. I hope she’s not learning to shove down her emotions…

I cried at least half way to the airport. I started to relate to the parents who send their kids away to college. You know they will be fine; you know you will see them again, but there’s an element of letting go that is quite challenging. It’s like a rite of passage into adulthood. They have been your child this whole time and then suddenly they are off on their own. It’s a feeling that only those who have experienced it can actually understand. It’s a desire to hold on and yet, there is a joy inside and excitement for what they will get to accomplish next. Although Marla is not there yet, if she does choose to stay the full two years her dad wants her to stay, she will be almost sixteen by the time she comes back. She will have grown so much and probably changed so much too. And then there’s the possibility she may really love her new life and choose to stay. One day at a time…

As we headed back home, my seven-year-old started to cry. She was sad to see her big sister leave. It also reminded me of my little brother. When I left Brazil he was two months shy of being five years old. I never really thought of what must have been like for him to have his big sister go. I wonder if he really ever understood why I was leaving. I wonder if he missed me as I see Jasmine missing Marla…

I see so many parallels between my life and Marla’s. I’m her twin as she likes to say. The difference now, however, is that when I left Brazil, it was more because my mom felt there were no opportunities for me there. The economy was terrible, there were no jobs, and she didn’t feel I had future that would really expand my life. With Marla, she has opportunities in both places and now she gets to go so she can experience her culture; become fluent in another language; expand her mind; and get to know her relatives better.

I wrote to her that home is where the heart is and she’s fortunate to have many places she can call home, and that this home is always open for her whenever she chooses to return.

I’m missing my big baby girl already and I know it will take some time to adjust; however, I’ll be plenty busy with my other two little ones and putting the finishing touches on my book which launches in March, which has been written to Marla.

This year has been quite the year with major events happening and I’m looking forward to an even greater 2012. More opportunities to travel to Brazil and beyond!

Today is 11/11/11. Some people see it as a day of saddness...some see it as a curse. Others see Veteran's Day and a very few see it as a new beginning...a day of renewal and light.

I choose to see two of the four there: Veteran's Day and Renewal. Why? Because both of those choices force me to be thankful and to look for the positive in the day.

I found a long time ago, that much like the game punchbuggy (where you look for the Beetles on the road and punch the person next to you when you see one) Even if we think something is rare or no longer exists (as in my beliefs about the number of Volkwagon Beetles on the road today) when we start to focus on that thing, we begin to notice more and more of it popping up or into our field of vision.

When I applied that same principle to focusing on the things I am thankful for, or the "good stuff" in my life, I began to experience alot more GOOD STUFF! I stopped wallowing in what was wrong with my life and sang the praises of and gave thanks for all that I had to be Thankful for! I began to notice my mood getting better, my family getting happier and my home getting warmer.

All it took was a shift in my "filter" to change the way I see the world and the way the world sees me.

So today, I challenge you to choose what this day will represent for you...right now! If you choose change and Thanks, then take a look around you...pick out 11 things you are thankful for today. It truly makes no difference who you are, or what your current situation...if you make the choice to focus on the good, you will change the way you see your life and the world around you and that's how YOU will bring more of that "good stuff" into your life...

Tara Kennedy-Kline, Author
Stop Raising Einstein, Discover the Unique Brilliance in Your Child...and You!

There was a time in my life when I believed there was just too much to bear.

I had created a closet full of skeletons and hid them away. I spent every day in panic and depression with regular anxiety attacks. And then, because of a necessary credit check, the closet door was about to be opened and it was all going to coming spilling into the world.

I called at least 4 psychologists in my area but all of them were too busy. I recall speaking to a homeopathic counselor as a last resort. Her suggestion was to get a tanning club membership; she said the sunlight would cheer me up. That actually did work for a period, but my dog eventually got tired of me following him around to sit in his sunny spots.

Another Doctor thought it would be more effective to medicate me rather than listen to me. His plan was lithium…”Don’t they make batteries out of that stuff?! No thanks! I’ll pass!”

I remember the turning point for me as if it was yesterday. I was getting dressed (so it must have been late afternoon) I had spent the first part of the day obsessing over the debt I owed and how I wasn’t earning enough to pay it off, how I was sure my husband would leave me when he found out, how I had alienated most of my friends because I had become a complaining ego maniac. All the thoughts and beliefs that kept me stuck in my hole of sadness played like a broken record, repeating and screaming in my head.

I was standing in my closet crying. I don’t know exactly why, I suppose it was the overwhelm of my life and the fear of what was to come. “I can’t do this anymore!” I yelled out loud as if someone could hear me other than the walls. ” Please help me…I don’t know what else to do!”

I just stood in my little space staring at the things on my dresser and then I noticed a bracelet sitting there. It looked like one of the woven friendship bracelets I had made in school, but it had 4 lettered beads in it. WWJD. It wasn’t very pretty really, so I didn’t wear it except for the day it was given to me at a fundraiser by some old grungy Harley guy who came up to my booth and handed it to me. Now that I think about it…he was pretty happy!

As I stared at the bracelet, I tried to remember what the letters stood for. Wacky, Wild, Jesus Dude…I knew that was wrong, but it made me laugh anyway.

W…where, what…was…would: “What Would Jesus Do!?”

I let the words land for a minute as I thought about what was really going on in my life. My problems seemed mighty small in that moment.

Given what I had heard of the stories…what would he do?

“Bare the Burden and Make it Right.” The words blasted in my head as if someone were yelling into a megaphone. I had never heard that before…but the statement was so definite and powerful it made me cry…HARD!

I cried for a long time and when I stopped, my whole body felt as though I had been through a washing machine. I felt lighter and breathed deeper. And I felt like I had a purpose.

I didn’t tell anyone else about what happened that day…but from that event on, every time I felt panicked or a negative thought came to mind, I would clear it by thinking “Bare the burden and make it right”. This became my first affirmation.

After that day, I began to notice that instead of obsessing over problems, I was focused on creating the solution to them. My story went from devastation and depression to determination and diligence.

Doors began to open for me and more importantly, I got my friends and my life back.
I would notice and create hundreds of affirmations in the years to follow, but one will always be my challis, my trident. If something lands in my path that seems insurmountable…I look at it dead on and say “I can bare this burden and make it right.”